Signs You May Be 'Mankeeping,' and How to Bring Balance Back to Your Relationship

A term introduced by Stanford researchers describes something you've probably already been doing for years. Here’s how to recognize the pattern in your own relationship, and practical ways to share the load.

If you’re like one Seattle woman who found herself planning her husband’s social calendar after he retired from work, then you may be “mankeeping” like her.

The woman, cited by Good Housekeeping, said her husband was stressed about building a life outside of work, so she found a way to bring him into the weekly pickleball matches of the husbands of her book club members, who needed a fourth player.

The woman admits, “I do sometimes get annoyed when I am always the one planning things,” but she acknowledges her husband helps with other responsibilities that she would rather not do, so it’s a win-win situation.

A woman sulking beside a laptop while a man sits beside her busy on his cellphone | Source: Pexels

So What is Mankeeping?

The term was introduced in a 2024 Stanford study to describe the tasks women take on for their male partners in relation to their social or emotional needs, more often unreciprocated.

“Mankeeping can look like a woman organizing a husband’s social calendar, buying birthday cards on behalf of a boyfriend (for his friends), or providing the primary emotional support for a brother—without receiving similar labor in return,” writes Stanford postdoctoral fellow Eagan Dean.

While the behavior isn’t new, licensed marriage and family therapist Dayae Kim says, “It might feel like it’s on the rise because women now have a term and way to name it.”

A woman watching two men conversing over drinks | Source: Pexels

Signs You May Be Manskeeping

According to Brie Temple, chief commercial officer of matchmaking service Tawkify, there are signs that signal manskeeping behavior, such as when you find yourself becoming “the planner, the feeler, the fixer, and the emotional manager.”

This could mean taking note of birthdays, nurturing your partner’s friendships, and keeping track of and managing his moods. You may also find yourself reminding him to call friends or acting as his main, or only, emotional sounding board.

This is not to say that every man struggles with expressing emotions or cultivating friendships, and neither does every woman find this easy.

A woman providing emotional support to a distraught man | Source: Pexels

Why It Can Lead to Burnout

It can come to a point when “manskeeping” can become too overwhelming that it could wear a woman down. “What often gets mislabeled as ‘relationship problems’ is actually burnout from carrying too much of the emotional load,” says psychotherapist Sanya Bari

Part of the issue, experts say, is that many men don’t find the need to develop emotional skills or close friendships, and research from Pew suggests men’s friendships tend to be less personal than women’s. “We can’t always be everything for our partner all at once,” says therapist Sara Haynes.

An exhausted woman looking at a man busy with his laptop | Source: Pexels

How to Restore Balance

To restore some semblance of balance and avoid burnout, experts suggest sitting down with your partner and being honest about the situation without putting any blame on anyone. Therapist Ross Kellogg recommends using “I statements” to focus on your experience and what you need.

Once you’ve established the issue, think about how you can fix it, by sharing the load, from who plans social outings to who checks in on whom. It also helps to encourage your partner to be responsible for building his own system of support, whether that means having friends, joining a club or class he enjoys, or therapy.

A group of men bonding over a bonfire | Source: Pexels

Bari also suggests “allowing your partner to experience discomfort instead of buffering it,” so he can take more responsibility for his own emotional life.

It may take small steps to get to your ideal set-up, but therapist Kristen Mosier notes, “Small, but consistent efforts can have a big pay-off in helping to equalize this dynamic.”